Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?