I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Today’s Times
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Every house has this drawer
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*