me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
multitasking lunch
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.