I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man