Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
fly smarter, not harder
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.