my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
When someone trying to leave me
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
You learn something every day