People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could