I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
no their not
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”