I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
You Might Also Like
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.