I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
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If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!