If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows