I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
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I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Oh no
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET