Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
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Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Effort made
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations