People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
A roof is a house hat.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine