the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Stop being racist to kettles.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep