[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me, in DM rooms…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices