I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up