*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Danger is very dangerous
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof