WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.