I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
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It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.