Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Happy thanksgiving!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.