When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Oh, I bet you would be
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.