*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
You Might Also Like
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!