Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
You are what you delete.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.