For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.