The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Dance like you’re not the father
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: