When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Just as the prophecy foretold
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!