billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Florida be like…
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?