My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m calling the cops.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I’m confused about plants
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold