If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.