My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
oh my gosh!!
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school