Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.