“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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I identify as an antique shop.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?