3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner