Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.