If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.