I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
When can I start eating bats again.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet