How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark