you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Ummm
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.