Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
You Might Also Like
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
This story is comedy gold 😂
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.