Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.