superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?