what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.