Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.