Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool