My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
there’s probably a fee though
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Wait a second…
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment