My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones