1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
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Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note