A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.