*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?